Tuesday, January 13, 2015

happy birthday son

Today you're four years old, and I love you so.

You're unbelievable. I still wonder if it's true that I have a son and he's so cool. I've never really dreamt of having a baby before I had you. And after that, I thought it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I still think so.

I still remember the exact feeling which I felt when you were born, that enormous explosion of love that burst inside me and swallowed me up and left the world full of unbearable white light, and there was nothing but this light. It was the most fierce, intense and powerful feeling I've ever felt. It was crazy impossible, but there it was. I thought I'd known love, I thought I'd known life before you were born. After that, I knew that I'd known nothing.

It's just something you can't describe, you can't foresee, you can't imagine. You simply have to live through it to know it. There's no other way.

That happened on January 12, 2011, on this same day, but four years ago. Now, four years later, we're here, and you're four. But I still can get to that feeling anytime, anywhere. Just remind me, and here it is. It hasn't  faded, withered or weakened out; it's as bright and powerful as on that same day.

Today you're such a cool little guy. Once we were waiting in a cafe for your dad to come, and we were sitting by the window, and you asked me: "what would you have mum? tea, as usual? or maybe coffee?", and then you told me what you'd like to order, and then you waited patiently for it, and we were looking out of the window, and you said, "the leaves are falling, and the wind is blowing them away. it's autumn". And I thought OMG who is that little guy?! He's not just my baby, he's a kindred spirit, a partner in crime, he's someone who can sit with me in a cafe and just GET IT - yes, that's it - he just gets this whole thing!

The other time we were coming home after a long walk, and Alice was fast asleep in her pram, and you were walking next to me holding my hand, as usual. It was late November, a dark and gloomy day. The sky was overcast, but suddenly brightest sunshine split heavy clouds and the road ahead of us became instantly full of gold. There was such severe beauty in that contrast of light and darkness, and it was so unexpected that I stopped, and you stopped, and we stared. We were standing there for like twenty minutes, and you looked like you were actually really appreciating, really taking in that beauty just as I was. "It's beautiful", I said and you said, "it is". And it hit me again. You're so small, but you completely get it. Most of the time you're just a wonderfully ordinary kid, but then you do or say something like that and I'm totally blown away. I am so lucky and blessed to have you as my son.

Yesterday your grandparents brought you to a shop and asked what you'd like for your birthday. "A helicopter", you said. "Which one?" asked the shop assistant, who heard it, "we have so many!" "Just a helicopter", you said, "the one with a propeller". The shop assistant took you to the part of the shop with all sorts of helicopters. "Just look at what they can do", the shop assistant said, "this one has beautiful lights, and this one plays melodies, and this one can fly..." "I told you, I just want the one with a propeller", you said, "a simple one". You just killed me. I don't know what it was about it, but it made me so happy.

Anyway, you got a simple helicopter that you liked, and you wanted to take it outside to play, but your gramma asked: "what if the older guys will take it from you?" You looked at her seriously and said: "I will fight. I'm like this". I told it to your dad, and it melted his heart. "My son!" he bellowed. "That's my son!"

Your dad is still in Arkhangelsk now, and I was a little uncomfortable that we'd have to spend this special day without him. Still, I think we did just fine. You woke up to a birthday cake with four candles, and then we played a lot, and went to a cafe, and walked and played outside, and visited your grandparents. We did all the things you like. Dad called you, and your great aunt, and my friend Julia. And now you're sleeping, and I'm typing this, and my heart is so full of gratitude.

My boy, my son, my little one. You'll always be my first baby. Today you're four years old, and I love you so.

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